Embracing Vulnerability: Leadership in Difficult Conversations
Have you ever wrestled with the idea of being vulnerable in a conversation? Regardless of leadership level or amount of experience, all leaders struggle with the tension of being vulnerable or not. In difficult conversations, followers want to know you care about them. But, concerns about managing perceptions often keep leaders from showing vulnerability. And when a leader is guarded in a difficult conversation, it promotes distrust. Although leaders are expected to convey an image of competence, confidence, and power, followers already know you are not perfect. Leaders have to learn to be comfortable without having all the information wanted or needed in difficult conversations. Being vulnerable requires courage and produces trust. If you find yourself accidentally avoiding vulnerability in difficult conversations, here are five proven strategies that will move you closer to your goal.
Why Leadership Vulnerability Matters in the Workplace
In a fast-paced digital workplace, leaders need empowered followers to take charge. But taking charge in a crisis can be risky. However, a recent study revealed that only 30% of employees see a reason to say something when they see something is wrong, and only 30% believe their opinion counts.
Vulnerability in the workplace is found to enhance:
trust
collaboration
psychological safety
and a feeling of connection that improves the quality of leader-follower relationships and employee performance
The Power of Vulnerability
As a leader, vulnerability involves taking risks that might end in failure or create the best of what might be in the organization. Often the word "weakness" is considered a synonym for vulnerability. However, being vulnerable as a leader takes strong leadership and creates a significant amount of leadership power, confidence, and influence. Vulnerability is a courageous choice.
In this short video, Simon Sinek expands on the tension leaders face and how to show vulnerability in the workplace as a leader.
Leaning into vulnerability in a difficult conversation is best modeled by leaders first. When leaders model vulnerability in a conversation, it establishes trust and safety for followers.
A display of vulnerability by the leader encourages followers, in turn, to take risks by being vulnerable. Vulnerability given is vulnerability received, leading to improved communication, productivity, and relationships. Followers want to see that their leader cares for them and is open to learning.
Here is a Ted Talk by Brene Brown discussing The Power of Vulnerability:
Are You Being Vulnerable in Difficult Conversations?
To identify your tendency—to be vulnerable in difficult conversations —take the following free five-question quiz and receive your vulnerability leadership score.
A score of 75-100 indicates you have a high degree of vulnerability in difficult conversations
A score of 55-75 indicates you have a moderate degree of vulnerability in difficult conversations
A score of 20-55 indicates you have a low degree of vulnerability in difficult conversations.
If you'd like to level up your leadership vulnerability after completing this quiz, consider asking others to give you feedback on how vulnerable you are in difficult conversations using these same questions.
How to Be Vulnerable in a Difficult Conversation
While there is no one complete checklist of actions you can take to show vulnerability. The following five strategies are compiled from proven research on mastering difficult conversations:
Vulnerability Strategy #1: Be transparent
Keep the conversation open and genuine. This does not mean sharing personal secrets. It means metaphorically that you invite those you are speaking with into the front door of your house rather than making them stand on the doorstep and talk with you from behind your screen door of image management. Being transparent pertains to both the logical rationale aspects of the conversation and your feelings about the other person and the conversation.
Keeping the conversation open and genuine is essential for fostering meaningful connections and building trust. When we talk about openness, it goes beyond just the words we speak; it encompasses a willingness to share thoughts, ideas, and emotions authentically. This authenticity is not about revealing deeply personal secrets but rather about being real and vulnerable in a way that invites others to do the same.
Imagine a conversation as a doorway to your inner world. By keeping it open, you allow others to step inside and see a more authentic version of yourself. This openness creates a space for genuine interactions, free from the constraints of image management and superficiality. It's about inviting others into your metaphorical house, where they can see the real you, rather than keeping them at a distance behind the facade of a screen door.
Transparency in communication involves not only conveying the logical aspects of your thoughts but also sharing your emotional responses honestly. It means being open about your feelings towards the other person and the topic of conversation. By being transparent, you create a foundation of trust and understanding that can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling interactions.
Vulnerability Strategy #2: Put others first
Entering a difficult conversation with the sole intention of coming out as the victor or providing the perfect answer often results in a breakdown of effective communication. It is crucial to realize that prioritizing the needs and perspectives of others does not diminish your own value or importance. Rather, it reflects a deep sense of empathy and respect for the individuals involved. By approaching such conversations with a genuine desire to comprehend the other person's viewpoint before asserting your own, you create a foundation for meaningful dialogue and mutual understanding. Actively listening to their words, emotions, and underlying concerns allows you to identify their true needs and concerns, fostering a more productive and harmonious exchange of ideas.
Vulnerability Strategy #3: Demonstrate selfless love
Selfless love, as the act of willing the good of another person, encompasses a profound sense of altruism and care that goes beyond mere words. Embodying selfless love in challenging conversations requires a deep level of self-awareness. This self-awareness enables individuals to approach interactions with clarity, understanding their own emotions, biases, and intentions, thus fostering a more authentic and empathetic exchange.
In the realm of difficult conversations, the essence of selfless love shines through in the form of empathy and compassion. Empathy plays a crucial role in fostering genuine connections by allowing individuals to truly listen and comprehend the emotions and perspectives of others. Through empathy, one can bridge the gap of understanding and create a space for mutual respect and dialogue.
Compassion, another pillar of selfless love, propels individuals to take meaningful actions that benefit others. In the context of challenging discussions, compassion motivates individuals to prioritize the well-being and feelings of the other person, steering the conversation toward a more constructive and positive outcome. By acting with compassion, individuals demonstrate a genuine commitment to the welfare and growth of those they engage with, fostering trust and fostering deeper connections.
Vulnerability Strategy #4: Take action
Difficult conversations can have significant repercussions if left unaddressed. The cost of neglecting such conversations extends beyond just the immediate situation and can impact relationships, team dynamics, and even personal well-being. When approaching a difficult conversation, it is crucial to consider various aspects such as the nature of the issue (what), the appropriate setting for the discussion (where), the manner in which it will be approached (how), and the timing of the conversation (when).
Achieving a balance between thorough preparation and timely action is essential. While it is important to gather relevant information and plan for the discussion, excessive preparation can sometimes lead to a state of inertia where the conversation is continuously postponed in anticipation of more data or a better moment. This tendency towards procrastination can hinder progress and allow the issue to escalate further.
By acknowledging the importance of addressing difficult conversations promptly and thoughtfully, individuals can navigate such situations more effectively. Proactive communication, coupled with a willingness to engage in uncomfortable discussions, can lead to resolutions that are constructive and beneficial for all parties involved. It is through these challenging conversations that growth, understanding, and stronger relationships can emerge.
Vulnerability Strategy #5: Ask for feedback
Vulnerability is a profound aspect of human experience that involves acknowledging one's weaknesses and limitations, yet also signifies a willingness to learn and grow. It is the courage to expose oneself to the uncertainties and risks that come with opening up to new perspectives and insights. When we find ourselves in challenging conversations where feedback is crucial, it is important to approach them with a sense of humility and openness.
Seeking feedback should be seen as a valuable gift that can provide us with valuable insights and opportunities for personal development. In such situations, it is essential to recognize that effective communication is a two-way street. Listening attentively to the feedback being provided is just as important as expressing your own thoughts and feelings.
By being receptive to what others have to say, we create a space for meaningful dialogue and mutual understanding to take place. When delivering difficult messages that may be met with resistance or discomfort, it is advisable to be direct and concise in your communication. By clearly articulating your message and offering to discuss it further at a later time, you allow the other person the opportunity to process the information at their own pace. This approach enables them to engage with the message both intellectually and emotionally, fostering a more constructive and empathetic exchange of ideas.
Key Summary Points:
Regardless of leadership level or amount of experience, all leaders struggle with the tension of being vulnerable or not.
Leadership vulnerability involves the willingness to take risks that might end in failure or create the best of what might be in the organization.
Vulnerability is a courageous choice.
When leaders model vulnerability in a conversation, it establishes trust and safety for followers.
Be transparent, put followers first, demonstrate selfless love, take action, and ask for feedback.
What is your leadership vulnerability challenge?
References:
Edelman. (2023). Edelman trust barometer: Navigating a polarized world.
Grenny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., & Gregory, E. (2021). Crucial conversations. McGraw-Hill Education.
Patterson, K., (2005). Crucial confrontations: Tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior. McGraw-Hill.
TEDTalks: Brene Brown—The power of vulnerability (2010). TED.
